it's always when i'm drunk that i write in this thing. or no, im not always drunk, but when i /am/ drunk, i feel compelled to write. maybe its because it's when im most honest, not just with others but with myself.
so i came to grips just a few hours ago with the fact that i am insanley lonely. part of it is being so far away from mac, im sure, but another part has been lingering there for a long time. and up until now, ive been really good at ignoring it. why things have suddenly changed, why suddenly im so aware...i dont know. but i am, and its troubling. deeply, unequivically troubling. oh yeah, im sure i know why. being close enough to something and yet never being further from it. does the phrase "let it go" ring a bell? and i should, and im trying. but it seems like maybe he doesnt want me to. but then again, he says that i should. EVERYONE says that i should. but i dont. and at this point, being able to gauge negative responses, knowing whats going to happen before it does, i want to. i really really want to.
im just sick of wanting and waiting and always being so in the dark. im sick of being wrong and wasting time. i just want..../something/, even if its nothing. thats the point im at. will it always be this way? no, im sure as soon as i have what i "want" i'll be unhappy.
so maybe i just need to get laid.
yea. probably.
where's jesus when you really need him?