boston was awesome. the darkness was awesome. everlast was awesome.chemical brothers were awesome. even puddle of mudd was pretty awesome....she fucking hates me live is pretty funny. the guys were awesome. no bootie or copped feels involved or anything! which is even more amazing considering i crashed in the same room, drunk, twice, as 4 blitzed 22 year olds....it was great not having to worry about that shit....they treated me with nothing but respect the entire trip. saved me from the sod at tweeter, bought some of my drinks, insisted i go through doors first.... even though i protested and told them to stop, they just laughed and kept being polite. it was nuts.
again, dont think its going anywhere with b. i still dont know wether or not i'm happy about that.... sometimes yes, sometimes no. maybe im just scared. or maybe im just really not interested, lol. id be crazy not to be (sigh). dunno. too young. very hot. very sweet and very fucking talented....compatible, too, or so it seems.... i gotta get him out of my head. he was teasing me last night about some words i messed up and it was just so amazingly cute....i wanted to kiss him (i laughed and hit him instead). but later when we were on the phone, i had a chance to say something and i didnt.... (sigh again). the bad thing.... my mouth has been watering for a cigarette since we've been hanging around.... he totally chain smoke my brand, and... man, my mouth is watering now just thinking about one.... fucking addictions. i should just smoke a whole pack in 10 minutes and get it out of my system.
anyway, i came back monday to find i missed some drama. thank fucking god. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE GROUP??? why do they hate women so much? i just dont understand....
nothing will change. if it doesn. i'll be very suprised. more than ever i just want out; i want to be around people who are just fucking chill; no alterier motives, no weird insecurities, no fucking drama.... just fucking chill. like this weekend.... like the flash group, like the cd... like everything i do that isnt involved with the group. just hearing about the shit that goes on with them makes me so furious.... it shouldnt, i think i've succesfully removed myself. still, in a very deep way, i consider them all family.... like as much as i hate them i could never just totally let go.... thats my definition of family! scary.
very very fucking scary.
doesnt matter. nothing will change. i think its even more insulting how the core members are talking about donning bats and taking care of the problem, knowing full well they arent going to do shit. do they realize how demoralizing that is in the end, for the girls? nates email made me cringe.... the reference to spousal abuse.... it made me think of the thing with levi, too. jeff threatens to kill him if he ever hurts me, he openly admits to only using me for sex, and hes still cool dude #1.... better yet, i'm told to suck it up and get over it, if i want to hang out. lol. SOOOOOO fucked up.... at the very least, the shittiness of it all should have been considered. with john, with levi... but it wasnt. because women in this group equal 2 things = ass and crazy fucking bitch.
nice.