Wow. Justin emailed me this morning. He's moving to California....
Wow.
19 of you checked out my entry last night, three responded in email, one of you called. Here's the verdict:
"Screw him, sweetie. You got better."
"bang button. rr me." (Screen name and phone number included)
"It sounds to me that he likes to suck the cock."
Yeh! Well, um, thanks all, but that's not exactly what I was looking for. In fact, these responses were SO off base that I pulled the last entry all together.
Listen, I'm not looking to sling mud or make him out to be a bad person. He's not; deep down I think I still believe that. On the other hand, he's treated me like shit, and I have no desire whatsoever to hang with him, be friends with him, acknowledge him in any way except for the fact that he chills my freinds. That's fine with me. I just don't want him talking to me, or around me. I don't like him. I don't even want to try and like him at this point. i'm frustrated, confused, and extremly hurt by all of this....
the post last night was simply to ask wether or not i was being fair. no one answered that. mathan called, and we're going out for coffee in a bit to talk.... maybe he can shine some light on the subject.
i don't mean to be a bitch. i don't want to be petty or nasty or dramatic or any of that stuff. i just don't want to be around him. i don't want to pretend to like him, or pretend that he's my freind, or pretend that everything's okay, because in my mind, everything is definitly NOT okay. on the other hand, i still stand firm in that i'm not sacrifcing hanging with my friends this summer just because he's around. as i've said like a billion times now, i want to have fun.... and i have to say, i'm a bit worried about hanging out, because i know i'm not going to be all happy-go-lucky we're all cool right in the beginning. i'm probably going to be a little quite, or may make plans of my own after a flick to limit the time. it has nothing to do with the group, honestly. i just don't like being mad. and being around him makes me fucking angry as hell.
you know, the craziest thing is i didnt give this shit a second thought until i saw him yesterday.... and i think if he had just NOT said anything to me, i would have been cool.
well, maybe the fact that i ignored him gave him the idea. at this point, i've done everything i possibly can to remove him from my life: he's off my buddy list, my email address book, i stopped checking his diary, and i got rid of the shit he gave me (except the cd's -- no way i'm letting loose of neil and metallica :)) plus, the bit i wrote in here about the IP addresses -- that was specifically for him, because i knew he was checking this, and would stop if i knew he knew (though i guess he could ut be using someone elses computer now...). great fucking game, isnt it? (sigh) i just didnt want to lock up all together, and i wanted him out of my shit....
i dunno. i'm hoping mathan has some amazing answer that will just totally make things start to make sense. i hate being angry. but at this point, after all that's happened, i just DON'T KNOW how else to be. cool doesn't work; i wind up a psycho obsessed bitch no matter what i say or do. jeff and i joke about haveing butt sex all the time -- if i said that to kevi -- holy shit!
i just don't know how to be, at this point. i don't WANT to be cool with him, because i don't feel that way in the least. not even enough to FORCE myself to be like that. he fucking used me, treated me like crap, and a week later i'm supposed to be kissing his ass again? no fucking thanks.
yeah, that said, i do think he's a good person, lol...
just not to me.
anyway, i'm off to meet mathan. i'll amend it anything life altering is said (dont hold your breath)....