God, i'm SO beat... i really wanteed to hit the gym this morning (especially since its coming time to get that stupid fucking shot again), and my summer clothes from last year are still a tiny bit snug. another 10 pounds should do it...but it was weird -- as tired as i was last night i just could not go to sleep. i guess it's kinda hard to relax after staying up for 2 and a half days straight, lol...
but i think its more than that. i mean, as i said yesterday, it was a great day, all in all.... everything worked out. button's done a ton of nice things for me the past month or so, but yesterday was like.... i dunno. right then i just really NEEDED it, and he was there, completely by accident (as he seems to be alot, come to think of it, lol...) i guess i was just really touched. i'm not sure quite how to explain this, but to me, its seems like its been a long time since anyones really given two shits.... i mean, not that i need it, but when you're on your own ALL the time... i guess its just nice to know once in awhile someones got your back. that you can get hyper-emotional when the circumstance calls, and theres someone there to understand and in just three words make it all seem like nothing. does that make sense? instead of always hearing i'm a crazy bitch or whatever, lol... or always feeling that way.i think being cool for me is infectious. when other people start to get anxious, i get anxious too, then loose control of the situation.... unless its something where i KNOW i need to stay controlled, like the time my mom broke down in glens falls, or when mac cut himself really bad, when he had scarlett fever.... some situations REQUIRE it. also, i dont think its possible for me to be the "controlled" one in a relatiosnhip. i think i CAN be, when needed, but for the most part, just need someone to tell me, in so many words, to chill the fuck out. thats the thing. i respond to that, i dont LIKE to bitch, and i dont like taking things out on other people. but i have a tendency to do that when i get really frustrated, and feel backed into a corner...just lashing out. not on purpose, of course...i think i ound like i'm bitching when i dont mean to, jutjust cause of the way i talk...then people respond to that, and then i respond to THAT... nad it gets out of hand, lol.
button's really funny, so usually, when somethings not working right, or even if its been just kind of a ho-hum day, he manages to say these things that just make everything better....
okay, now this is the reason i couldn't sleep last night. i'm worried, because i really like him. i need, NEED, without a fucking doubt, to be by myself for awhile and get my head straight... a) i need to stop hating levi before i can even THINK about having a healthy relationship with someone else... that distrust, insecurity and general loathing will carry over, i'm sure. b) i need to simply just not have sex for awhile. it gets too messed up in my head. it used to mean something completely differetn to me than it does now, and i think those ideals are still kinda fighting...i know which side i want to win, but the other side is just SO fuckign easy to fall back on.... and i need to be more resolved than i've ever been. along with that, i cant push myself into another relationship hoping it will solve the problems of the last one -- especally where sex is concerned. i really need to let it sink in that sex doesnt fix things. actually, i need to let it sink that sometimes NOTHING will fix things, and as right as you thought it was, you just have to fucking let it go. c) i'm simply afraid. i dont want anythign with him to interfear with school (that would be like the absolute fucking worst! and though i want to say i dont think we'd be like that, i KNOW i've said that before... i can actually HEAR myeslf fucking saying it...
now, on the other hand, i really like this kid. we go okay together, and he's DEFNIITLY worth the risk. lol, but ive said that before too, havent i?
you know what freaks me out more than anything at this point? the similarities between him and levi.... i feel like i'm just fucking setting myself up again....
i respect button, admire him, etc, etc... had a similar feeling when i met him to the one i had when i met levi (though not so severe). and things are seeming to progress the same way now,too. a couple of chance hanging outs, sorta gradually getting to know each other and then BOOM. its there. whatever "it" is. and fuck, its hard to resist....
i cant go through what i went through with levi again. i've lost enough of my pretty ideas this time around, and if anyting, i want to work to get them back, not make things worse. i guess for me, thoguh, i justify everything... sometimes what seems like worse is better, and vice versa.... and despite the "genetics" argument, people ARE different, and no one rule applies to everyone. its a matter of how far you're willing to take it, how hard you're willing to work for it... i just dont believe in irreconciable differenecs. i dont believe people are inherently bad, i think everyone CAN get along with everyone else, no matter what... granted, some better than others, lol.... its a matter of putting yoursef in thier shoes, i think. doing for a perosn you care about what you think they'd want you to do, and not being so self-importnat and stubborn that you expect everyoen to change to suit YOU. i'm learning it... i just wish i had realized it sooner.
i wonder if any of that made any sense?
i swear, someday i'm going to figure this shit out. in the meantime, i need to keep myelf from drinking around button....
OR, maybe i shoudl try and talk to him...?
oh god, fuck no... that only gets me into trouble.
SPEAKING of my big mouth, a great example of how i tend to fuck things up with the things i say.... (this is funny)
jean and i were working together on yes men right after the big blow out. we had just gotten salads from subway, and both of ours had like a TON of onions on it.... so jean says: "Oh, god those onions. i can smell my own breath!" and i said: I can too, and the whole room starts CRACKING up.... and im like WHAT? whats so funny? i had onions too.... but of course, thats not how it was percieved....
maybe i should take a communications class or something, lol... you'd think psychology would have covered those bases, but apparently not...
or maybe the idea of a translater isnt such a bad one....
AMEND: Button just called. One of his friends' bands is playing tonight and he asked if i wanted to check them out. i hesitated, and he said totally low key -- he actually wanted to go home and study for the business final when it was over. i asked him how much he usually retains when he's shit-faced, and he explained thats why he got a 47 on the first test, lol. but then he said he wasnt drinking tonight, that he was depending on this test to bring his grade up... and i missed alot of those classes, so i asked him if he could copy some of his nptes, maybe study together.... that way i dont feel TOO guilty about going out.
jeff's going to think i'm giving him the giant brush off, again. he better know by now that i love him and i would have hung tonight, if i didnt REALLY need to get a good grade on this test too...granted, i've done well on the other ones, but i've missed SO much class...(again, fucking yes men!!!)
so tonight will be a good test of resolve. i have to A) manage to stay sober and b)manage to keep my tounge to myself.
doable. difficult, maybe. but doable.