AMEND: i just talked to jeff, and the fact that i posted my im conversation with levi came up (because someone he knew had read it). he said he thought (and the other person thought) that it was really fucked up. i thought i made it pretty clear in the post that i wasn't trying to paint him out to be the bad guy, but that i really didn't know wheter or not i was justified, at this point, in being upset. so much has happened, and so much to me still doesn't make sense -- i wanted exactly what i got: an unbiased third party opinion, to know wether i was reacting appropriatly (because i've allegedly been so fucking unstable in the past). i BEGGED you guys to prove me wrong, to show me why i was being unreasonable. but it seems like i just fucked up again. so to any offended: you missed the point. i'm just really sick of being the crazy bad guy, and i thought this conversation clearly showed how far off track we got from the original point: it became an issue of getting back together when it truly wasn't one. i clearly wasn't disagree to space or seperation: but for the sake of seeing each other in the group, i didnt want things ending the way they DID. i don't truly feel that i was a violation of privacy: levi has made quite clear how he feels about me to more than one person on more than one occasion. furthermore, as i've said already, this has nothign to do with him anymore, but me, and what it all means to ME, as far as relationships, and my future in them. i don't know what about that is so fuckign difficult to understand. (p.s. no, i did not save that conversation purposlessly -- all my im's get saved automatically into thier own folder).
and one more thing. to those who disagreed with the post: do me a fucking favor and stay the hell out. i get enough shit from the people around me; i'd like to think this space is reserved for the ones that understand. I can't BELIEVE I'm defending myself for shit i said IN MY OWN DIARY. no one is forcing you to read this, so if you disagree, you don't like what i have to say, then LOOSE THE FUCKING BOOKMARK. get your own fucking life.
okay, so mathan's a genius. who knew?
we met at catholic school when we were 12 -- he's been away in the military for awhile, being a shrink or something, lol. he checks my diary every so often, because he says it's like checking in on home... and he was back on leave for a few days, going back this afternoon, happened to check the page last night and gave me a call....
having known me so long, and being objective, he was able to really look at this and give me something feasable to chew on.
the main thing: i don't really hate levi -- i hate these circumstances, how far out of hand everything got, how i was simply NOT able to make things better. its the first time in my life its ever really happened. i've ALWAYS been able to put things right. the fact that we're so simalar and cant communicate to save our fucking lives, just the little shit tied up i nthis.... all the crap around it. THATS what i hate, not him.
anyway, he said the anger would start to go away, adn that in the meantime i should just force myself to play nice. i told him that was impossible, lol. i wasnt forcing myself to do fucking anything, especially where he's concerned. if i want to ignore him, its my perogative...
he said that i shouldnt hang out around him until i feel comfortable enough to force it. i told him i don't remember learning something like that in psychology.... he remarked that THAT is why i'm an artist and he's a psychologist... then i told him to stop goading the patient :)
one thing he said that i REALLY didn't like: he thought because of the dynamics of my relationship with levi, it could never be anymoer than what it is now (which im not sure exactly, but definitly not freindship). i thought that pretty much sucked, especially considering that we'd just established that all my anger is stemming from the fact that i don't feel like it should have happened like this. but maybe he's right... funny me saying that, considering how much i just said i hate him, etc etc etc.... but i DO remember posting awhile ago that noting is irreconcilable. and as mad as i am, as much as shit got so fucked up, there's a little piece of me that still wants to belive.... in what, i have no ieda, at this point. no, i do know. basically, that things don't have to be like THIS.
he told me i had enough going in my own life that it didnt matter if i backed out of he group for awhile. he suggested that i keep seeing button, and keep my circle wide. i told him with this group, if you cancel too many times you stop getting asked... and he said it sounded like a high school clique, or some kind of exclusive club.... these are the rules: follow them or your out. he said he knew me, and that deep down i could care less if my name was scratched from something like that. and again, he was right....
i DO have plenty of my own stuff to do. i want to work more than i can possibly express this summer, and just really push myself to the creative limit. i really DONT want to be angry, but i'm not ready to start being cool yet, either. one thing is very clear to me: this relationship, regardless of what it was for him, has changed all my ideas about sex, what love is, what they both mean, how its expressed and what purpose it serves.... i just cant do any of it casually anymore, knowing now how i feel like it SHOULD be. i dont care if levi feels the same way; its not even about him anymore. its about me finally growing up and accepting this change... stop fighting and just start to trust myself, instead of always renigging and second guessing....
mathan also commented, as rudy had commented before, that i deal with relationships like a man. men generally try to fix things with sex... something on the y chromosone or something. women are the give things time and let a relationship build type.... eh. again, hes right: i have usually definied my relationship by how good the sex was.
well, not anymore.
i just want to move on, and stop being angry. i want to date button, and i want to feel totally apathy where levi is concerned.....
its just hard. alot has changed for me: i went through a major life event while i was with him, and its hard to brush him off and make it seem like it was all nothing.
that said, i'm going to stop posting for a little while. though i love using this thing as a venting ground, i think it gets me into more trouble than i need to be in.
jules, signing off (for now....)