whenever i get really REALLY stressed out, i cut my hair.
i haven't had bangs since 9th grade. its kinda weird. i'm not even sure what style this falls under. i look like a dork from the 80's or something....
i was actually going for a 70's jane fonda bowl cut, but the hairdresser refused. we compromised on this.
so i'm really sick of fighting.
with everyone, for everything.
i want to have a nice summer full of productivity and fun, and i want to learn a bunch of stuff, and take a bunch of pictures, and come up with a ton of new ideas for more work, and i want to put on an awesome solo (and joint) show, and then, when all that goes well, i want to bring my shit down to the city to a REAL dealer and see what fucking happens.
i forgot when it didn't seem like painting was going to get me anywhere, but THIS is my fucking dream. to think and create and make a fucking difference, in my own way. i know i can do this. i'm seeing things a whole hell of alot different now, i have a lot more confidence in myself then i EVER had. and thats funny, considering i've always had confidence in my ability for art.
i just want to work.
and, have fun. i want to go out every now and then and have too much wine, and headline on lark a second time, lol. but there;s so much drama in the group....
jeff and i talked today, and i was very blunt, to the point i think he would have smacked me if i were in front of him. i wrote in a different entry how i didn't think he really wanted me on the zann project but had no one else to go to. and i left him an im yesterday saying that if he couldn't trust me because i bailed out of the production design -- fine, so be it, let me know, cut me loose and ill be MORE than happy to work on my own shit. unlike the rest of the group, i dont have a death grip on his coattails.
so he said wow about 4 times, and i told him that i was frrustrated with all of this, that i was sick of the drama and petty bullshit, and that if he wanted me on board, things were going to have to be more professional. the day before easter is when i bailed out of pre-pro, for time issues with yes men, and work issues with the crew, and when we talked that day, jeff said he didn't trust me anymore, and that he wasnt sure if he could trust me with post-production, considering. i said fine, let me know what you want to do.
i found out today, like a month later, that he actually wants me on. to make a long story short, i was involved with nothing at this point except finalizing things with the building, and felt like i was out. i never got any of the take that emails, he never mention post - pro again, and whenever i offered to help do whatever i could for the actual shoot, he was just like: "no". so, to me, thats a big fuck you.
he said that i'd been on the mailing list (despite the fact that i'd been getting nothing), and in his mind, an okay for post-pro. he just forgot to tell me. then he admitted that if i backed out completely the whole movie was fucked. mike kinda said the same thing. you would think for being so fucking intregal i would know SOMETHING of what was going on....
then, like mike said yesterday, that no matter what happened with the other fuck heads (sic) that we would always be friends, and that he didnt want it to interfear with us, that he loved me and blah-dee blah blah....
i know he was mad. i know that certain members of the crew were mad, as indicated by thier away messages the day the email went around. i still dont think he trusts me completely, despite what he says. the fact that he's not allowing for any affter effects in post pro is an indication of his faith in me.
so i told him no more bullshit. i wanted organization and at least a small degree of proffesionalism -- to know exactly what i was responsable for so i could get working on it, or at least researching it. and no more fucking drama. i swear to fucking god, if there is even a HINT of anymore of the FUCKING HIGH SCHOOLCRAP i was out for good, no post pro, no fucking nothing. i just cant deal with it anymore.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
back to my point about summer, i want to have fun. considering the good teen drama crap, i dont know if its going to happen in this group. i DO love jeff, i love mike, everyone else i get along with or can ignore. but at this point, im so fucking jaded. i feel like no matter what i do or say im going to get sucked into the adolescent garbage again....
my point in all this -- its pretty clear i should NOT be hanging with button over the break, mainly because its dangerous. but i want to have fun. i want to just be myself, no fucking stress, be with at least ONE person that wants me around....and i want to ride in his convertable, lol. semi-kidding! and as much as i wish i could just re-instate all my passion and romance, i just CANT, and i dont want to lead him on or give him any false hope... im a fucking WRECK right now as far as thats concerned -- i dont know anything i thought i knew, including what "love" means, if anything....
olya keeps telling me to just do it. jeff says no. i think i know the answer myself, but i have trouble admitting i have very poor self-control....
(sigh)
i think as long as i keep it far and few between i should be okay. mix things up -- "drama club" sometimes, "art club" others.... and just absolutly, under no circumstances, even after my customary 3 long island ice teas, NO FUCKING. no romance, no falling in love, no first kisses, no casual anything, unless its with a chick (semi-kidding again! )
eh. im gonna take a nap before i post yes men. baby looney toons is on and i LOVE falling asleep to baby looney toons.....
yeah, i know.