AMEND: you know, today was my first day off in a long time.... i sat around and played video games, installed some new softwear, read comics.... just totally dorked out with my cat. it was actually pretty fun. and kinda outta nowhere, something shawn said yesterday popped into my head, something he said while we were sitting in the car, and it was about the time levi came out with pat.... i remember seeing him then, some of the stuff shawn had told me, and just....felt really sorry for him. he looks and sounds like hes gone totally to shit. and i tried really hard to remember what i ever saw in him...shawn said it wasn't levi 2.0 anymore, now was levi 3.0... well, sometimes the upgrade only makes more problems.
i liked him alot better last year. realizing it made me sorta forget we were even together after those first few weeks....like the guy i was with after that wasnt really him at all. i guess its the only way i can reasonably "get on with it", not hold a grudge or anything.
lol, its how i delt with my dad.
anyway, after 6 months of punishing myself for 2 messages and 1 slammed door, i finally REALLY just dont give a shit. no anger, no hurt just... pity.
the mind is truly an amazing thing.
END AMEND okay, i'm not angry anymore! talking to shawn did me some good. it didn't make the hurt go away, or the fact that i no longer belive in fairy tales, but i'm not angry at all, even if maybe i do still kinda "dont understand".
the thing is, i really DID want to be freinds with him. shawn said some people you just cant do that with, and i see his point, considering him and michelle. but my situation is slightly different. there were SO many outside influences, so many things that got seriosuly messed up... i really feel like levi got totally sucked into the group....eh, not going into it. long and short, in my mind, it just shouldn't have, and didnt have to, happen the way it did. THATS why it lingers. it would have been the same if it were to happen with shawn or dave or jeff....
anyway, i got a good email, and after the talk with shawn today, i'm pretty sure i'm ready to (SLOWLY) try something else. i like him, i want to have fun this summer, even just as freinds. he's majorly cool to hang with, and its someone i can drag with me to see local bands.... AND we can talk shop. coolness. :)
but, yeah. so im not angry. STILL hurt, STILL wish things ended differently, considering, but.... what are you going to do? nothing. and i'm done being mad. none of it is, or even was, worth it. too bad i'm only seeing it now.
thanks, mom, for raising me catholic.