get ready, guys..... this is gonna be a long one.
so, you have a lot of time to think when you're by yourself in the graphic design building until 2 o'clock in the morning....
it's about 8:30 now, and i'm waiting for the other "yes men" to get here. i need a shower BADLY.
no sense in going over the yes men stuff.... there's nothing new to bitch about, same old copyright/redesign issues....
i'm ticked because i REALLY wanted to go to the movies with dave last night and i had to bal, yet again, because of all this work.... i apologized like 90 times, and dave was really cool about it. so was shawn when i told him i'm bailing early for thursday, forseeing more issues with the adobe contest, yes men, the fact that i'm still working on that LAST web page for my incomplete last semester and the 14 page business plan for bill's class.... i just want to wrap it all up this week. i want NOTHING else lingering....
talked to shawn for QUITE a while, lol, prolly more than we should have. again, i think its amazing how quickly things seem to snap back into place. it was like there was never any bad blood at all. we had already decided that we werent going to talk about anything, that we were just going to let it go, but an hour into the conversation it came up, and we talked about it, and i think because we didnt push it or force the conversation, it didnt seem akward and we were both able to say what we had to....i think we both see the others side. and its history.
we talked about the group, some, and the HS crap. he had said he thought of himeself and his circle as sort of removed from it, and i agreed at first. but on thinking about it last night, i realized, in my mind at least, they are definitly not removed. all of the people i went to high school with, regardless of when i technically started hanging out with them, fall under the same category in my mind. for a lot of different reasons....
and thats when i realized, for the psat year or so i've been try to "integrate" all these different aspects of my life; school, mac, friends, etc.... because its supposedly healthy. but i'm different. i tend to work in absolutes, so to integrate would mean that everything in every area HAS to be the same.... and technically, its impossible to deal with my freinds the same as i do with school the same as i do with mac.... i realy DO lead a bunch of different lives, and thats becausee of where i'm at right now. it gets REALLY confusing, and theres NO way to integrate.... if anything, i think i have to pick the "me" i like the most and keep it in the back of my mind when i'm out of my element....
which i found myself doing several times on the phone last night with shawn. i'd start to say something and it would hit that i shouldnt be going there, that it wasnt something i would say to one of my freinds from school, and that i really needed to stop looking at these guys as family and start putting it back into real perspective. i trust everyone way too much, and get carried away to fast, i'm WAY too honest for my own good....i guess what i'm saying is that i just need to learn to shut up :) not only does ALWAYS speaking my mind get me into trouble, but i'm beginning to realize more and more that people just really dont CARE.... lol
but the thing is, i do miss shawn and dave alot. i was really looking forward to last night; i thought it would be a nice respite from all the craziness of school. dave had mentioned trigun and farscape, and i was thinking about the miniseries, and how it would be awesome to get together for that.... then, my stomached turned at the idea of chilling at his house. in fact, it was bothering me a little yesterday when i thought i'd have to go up there and possibly bump into levi to see the peace keeper pistol. and its not that i cant deal with it, or him, because honestly, except for the anger and hate, i feel absolutly nothing toward him anymore. i just dont want to be around him for the simple fact that i feel any word out of my mouth will equal psycho obsessed bitch.... and i mentioned to shawn about the hate and anger stuff, mainly because i want him to be TOTALLY CLEAR that i am in knnow way, shape or form wanting to hang with him or dave to get to fucking levi..... i swear, if i'm accused of that again i think i'm going to go off the fucking deep end....seriously, theres nothing worse than being accused of something thats not true and defending yourself time and time again, to the same people, with the same arguement....
that, and like i've already said, i dont like being angry. i've never had a relationship end this badly before. and even in the ones that ended well, i had room to get away. with this, i see him or hear about him enough that its just the little reminder i need to bring all the hate and anger to the surface....i just cant get far enough away from him to let things even out for me, which i knew was going to be a problem all along. i've never felt the need before to actually do the petty shit: remove names from buddy lists, throw away presents.... i mean seriosuly, i still have john's baby pictures in my closet..... but with levi, i was just SO angry and felt like it was all SO worthless that i couldnt trash it fast enough. i dont think i've ever felt so competly hurt or used.... i've been told to just "drop it", but how can i, at this point? havent i chocked on enough fucking pride? now i'm just supposed to suck it up, be okay with being shit on, and act like everythings perfect...? no, i dont think so..... even if i could, i would hate MYSELF for doing it.
which brings me to the fact that i havent heard from b since friday, after the second "skedaddle" incident.... i didnt call him back the night of the directors thing, like i said: just wasnt the right time. and because my phones have been so fucked up i think he thinks i'm brushing him off.... then, the couple times we got really close to like, kissing or something, i broke off and fled the room or the car.... maybe he's just sick of it. i mean, its been over a month now.....
but i cant help it that im not ready. and as awesome as he is, and as afraid as i am that i might loose him al together, there's just too much at stake for me to gamble on another "relationship". especially these casual things: they seem harder to balance than just a regular ol' relationship....like walking a tight rope: its harder to navigate because there's so much less there.... and i dont know he wants, what hes looking for.... i know that i want to focus on school and leave the romantic shit on the back burner. yet no one seems to understand why i havent just gone for it.... i guess, including me. typically, i would have been ALL OVER THAT....
but i'm fucking it up, again. damned if i do, damned if i dont.....the risk in this case just WAY outweights the reward. if hes decent, then it can wait. if not, there's plenty of other kick ass artists that play guitars and sing in bands, lol..... one of them is bound to be decent :)
with school, i guess i could have explained in more detail what i was doing with the capstone....
i;ve been doing a lot of independent research into informational graphics, color theory, environmental graphics.... mainly because these are the top three fields which have really explored the psychological effect of design on the human subconcious (well, marketing has been touched on as well, but i havent gotten into that yet) thats the premise of remodling the building; the students have been way discouraged and disgruntled, alot because of the workinng environment.... this is kinda like fen shui, i guess....
anyway, i've pulled up a bunch of research journals, order some REALLY heavy books on informational graphics (under the premise that i have to know the rules before i can break them), color theory, and interestingly enough, FRITJOF CAPRA, the tao of physics, the web of life.... hes not a desginer, but very concerned with environmental design.... plus, i've pulled up all my old psych books: social psych and cognition, to be exact, to help pull together what would be best for the school in terms of providing a stimulating design atmosphere....and you have to understand, this is sounding a bit like interior design.... but i'm looking beyond that, to actually DESIGNING the school as if it were a magazine spread.... its not just decorating. and i'm not building anything, only using paint....
the most fascinatinng thing about this principle is that its directly related to art therapy. one of the reasons i dropped that major, though i loved hte idea of art and music being used thereputically, was that i couldnt wade through the counseling classes...lol, too many of my own deep, dark issues to be fucking with anyone elses, and my demons, at this point, are best left at bay. but i feel like, in luie of how young that field is, i'm approaching it from the opposite angle...understanding first WHAT about art makes it so thereputic, how we connect to it, generally... nad this is useful not only in art therapy, but in MANY fields.... from everything to designing marketinng campaigns, to designing application forms..... it really touches everything.
anyway, its 9:01, no one is here, and i think i'm peeved, lol. but its definitly time to shut this rant down for now....
waiting anxiously for my fritjof capra books....