AMEND: okay, i had a dream about it last night so its obviosuly bugging me....i think i will add some shit to this post.
there's other reasons for saying what i did, but one very big and important one...
the idea of sex, or really, anything even kinda romantic or relationship wise, just totally turns me off. and not like in a small way, either. like in a "i'd rather dunk my head in gasoline and light a cigarette" kind of way. i dont think i've even come close to expressing the depth of my absolute disgust for what happened a few weeks ago, and now, for the person it happened with. its left me with this really used, worthless and completely sickening feeling.... not in regards to myself, but in regards to... relationships, i guess. or more particularry, relationships involving sex.
i hate it. it bugs me to no end. i used to LOOOOOOOOVE sex, and any of you who have been reading this stupid thing for a substantial amount of time can confer. but now.... it's beyond apathy and living without to.... pure loathing. i think i'd literally gag if a guy tried and kissed me.
so whats up with that?
because its not that i dont adore button, love being around him.... but when thoughts turn to other stuff i just cant deal.
not just what happened a few weeks ago, but the entire experience, has left a really horrible lingering feeling. i wish none of it ever happened, i wish i never met levi. i honestly hate him (for a few reasons at this point which i totally don care to get into), and with such depth that i dont forsee it ever going away. and all wrapped up with that is this experience, not just of a few weeks ago, but of this whole year, what it meant (or DIDNT mean), and even before that....
eh, i dont want to even start thinking about that again. the point is, theres alot of hate and anger right now, lol. totally unresolved. and its festering and corrupting all my happy romantic ideals.
so obviosuly, i said no.
in all honesty, between the fact that he's an awesome musician (lead guitar and vocals, god, so fucking hot), that he's one of the best designers, totally loves and digs on art and music, and honestly just totally awesome in every possible respect.... i mean, I've known him over a year now and he just keeps getting better.
I guess the thing is, I really like him. A lot. And my head is SO not screwed on straight right now, obviosuly, and as much as I TOTALLY want to do this with him and try and set shit right, and as HARD as it was to say no, feeling like i might be letting him get away, I just CAN'T do this right now. I think if I got with him I'd actually want it to work. And things could definitly not work with the way i feel right now.
So I'm sticking with Plan A -- raping the studios over the summer in order to build up a super-strong body of work, then promo'ing over break next semester to set up some area shows...
anyway, what will be will be. i'll see him next semester, and i know when his band is playing, so i can always stop in and say hi.
i explained a little of what was going on, that i just got out of something really shitty (which he kinda already knew, from my web page), hoping he would appreciate my honesty, but he seemed more confused than anything.... again, i suck at explaining things. he prolly thought i was brushing him off, couldnt belive i was turning him down....
far from it.
so that's all for now. i'm gonna hit the sack.
AMEND2: Jeff is really making me angry. I've offered to do what I can for Zann this weekend, even if its transporting stuff up to the building, but everytime i do, he gives me this response that says, in between the lines: "I cant trust you so no, i dont want your help". and at first, i tried to take it like he just doesnt want me to take on anymore responsability, but i KNOW jeff, and the way he keeps phrasing things is like "if you cant do it, i have plenty of other people who can so fuck off" and thats hilarious, consdiering how many times he told me he didnt want me sacrificing what i had going on at school for zann. the deadlines for yes men was pushed back by two weeks because of some copyright issues with CNBC. mainly, it affected my chapter. i've been working on this shit non-stop, from doing illustrations to photoshop work to editing and layouts (not to mention finals and my other three classes, the show, and some of the work i had to make up from last semester).... i wouldnt expect half of you to know what goes into producing something like this, alone, but its ALOT. maybe when the book and movie comes out it will make more sense...
and yes, to be honest, part of the reason i left zann was because of the shit going on with the group. that was by no means the main reason, more like the final straw. i'd be flat out lying if i said otherwise. because of everything that happened, i truly didnt think i belonged on set, and ESPECIALLY now, i think it was totally the right move to make...
what pisses me off is how jeff supports me only when its convienent for him. it was all about school until it interfeared with zann. and i didnt say anything to him, but again, the fact hat he missed the show said alot to me, and the fact that he keeps telling me he wants to make it up there, but i know hes not going to. the next time he mentions it i'll probably just flat out say that he doesnt have to go. he's known whats been going on with school. he knows whats up with the group, and why, feasably, it was better for me to back out. he has no right whatsoever to not trust me, especially since i still offered to help with post production.... but honestly, hes making me feel like such crap that i dont even want to do THAT anymore. thats ALOT of extra work for me -- not just a little, a fucking LOT. after effects is NOT an easy program to learn, especially on your own, and trust me, i have other stuff i could be doing.... i'd like to see him find someone else who will cover for all that, especially for free
so yeah, keep making me feel bad. its totally working in your favor.
WOW, i'm angry today, lol.
BITCH MODE OFF.