Mom and I are off for FAME n a bit, but I wanted to jot this down before I forgot:
Yesterday gave me and my mom a lot of time to talk. We were saying how Dave is doing so much better now that he's moved on campus and gotten this new group of friends. My mom said it wasn't JUST that, but also that he pulled away from Kris and Jeff and the general group (to a degree). She said it wasn't his LIFE anymore, even though he still saw them occasionally.... I agreed with her, that he was totally depressed when he was with the group, and a total ASSHOLE, too.... I love my brother to death and I couldn't stand to be around him, or talk to him last year, and it wasn't just me, lol... He was just always ready for an argument or disagreement, was always picking fights and just making MAJOR mountains out of mole-hills.... so my mom says, "You realize that goes for you, too."
Well, yeah, i guess i DID kind of realize that. In an offhanded way. She said as much as she didn't want me getting back with Ken, when things finally leveled out with us it was the best I'd been in a long time.... maybe since John and I first got together, or maybe first split, lol. And she was totally right. I wasn't COMPLETELY out of the group -- we did our RPG'ing and what not, but for the most part, as sleazy as that other group was, I did better with them then with my friends of ... how many years?
So I'm thinking about it, and I think i figured out why it is. Because in high school, we all had very specific roles. drama usually DID center around me back then, if only because i was always in the spotlight with jeff. and when i get back into the group, the old rules still apply, you know? there's no space for me to be the me that i've grown into (which, trust me, is a lot more reasonable than the high school julie, lol). And thats why this keeps getting perpetuated, the rumors about me.... because this is how people have ALWAYS seen me, how they treat me, and therefore the old role i fall back into.
this argument was strengthened in talking to olya and sarah the other day, where i was describing some of the stuff that had happened, and some of the stuff that was said about me.... they just couldn't believe it. neither one of them could see me that way. fireball, yes. looney drama queen, no. idealistic, yes. detrimentally so, no.
which i like. yes, i have some drama in me, but its usually not so BAD dramatic... i LIKE wearing funky clothes once in awhile, or mismatched shoes, just to mix things up and get people thinking. i like saying things sometimes simply for the shock value. I like doing odd things and not having them second guessed, just being accepted for a slightly eccentric artist. think about it -- if there wasn't some drama in here, i wouldn't be the kind of artist i am, or even the person i am. both of which i like.
on the other hand, in the wrong group, that shit just gets amplified and turned into something completely different, Like in groups that, for as wonderful as they are, are still based in a high school dynamics and mentality.
Lol, apparently Dave and I don't do well in those groups.
I swear, he's like a completely different person. Like my little brother again. Or something equally as gay :)
Anyway, I guess i actually WAS right about something, in the log run. I should have stopped feeling guilty, followed my gut and pulled away sooner. And by pull away, I don't mean dissappear. But, as my mom says it, not make it my life.
The guys see each other as family, and I used to too... like the (drama) queen of the castle, lol....
well, i think i'm happier being the lone wolf/distant cousin.
At any rate, if FAME turns out to be more than spectacular, I'll post agani later. Otherwise, wish me luck on my finnal tomorrow.
Oh, and here's some pics for ya: Dave's semi formal, and me acting like a doof at the show. The girls in the other pic with me are Olya and Jean.
