eh, fuck it. I was going to lock up shop again but i just dont give a shit anymore who reads what.
tonight was such bullshit, the same fucking thing happened when i called him to talk about what happened with shawn (before i could get my point across, he just got fucking angry, asking why i was bringing it up, if i was trying to turn him against shawn.... when all i wanted to do was talk about it, maybe get a fresh perspective on the situation, find something i wasnt seeing..) and THINKING it might go down like this again, i tried a different approach -- rather than just starting to talk about it like i wanted to talk about it (aka: bitching), i tried addressing sort off handedly....
yeah. well that didnt work either
we were talking over each other, yet again. he kept thinking i was pushing something i wasnt... i suggested, he said no, which i accepted .... i was just looking for explainations after that. and he just kept fighting.... i know he thought i was asking him over and over, but i WASNT, and i kept trying to tell him he wasnt listening to me.... i just needed SOMETHING after last week. and instead of listening, he just kept telling me to leave him alone, which only made the whole thing worse. it was so competley uncalled for. did he really think i was pissed about him saying no? its not that i didnt understand where he was coming from, even GLAD he didnt accept.... but when i tried asking "why" it was just...brutal.
he said it wasnt a good time for it. but when is it ever? he also said now he had to think about this... i've been thinking about it all week, and how it was wrong. but of course, we're not talking, so theres no room to discuss it....
i apologized for even suggesting what i did, because on my drive home i realized how fucking ridiculous it was. considering the nature of our realtionship, though.... is it really so strange? at this point, i feel like its probably the only thing we ever got right....
and i have to give him props. he was hungry and stayed online anyway.... thats admirable and he tried, at least on some level, even if he was angry.
at the same time, he said all our friendship gives him is headaches. and THAT he totally brings upon himself. theres just no reason for getting so bent out of shape for the things he does....
the thing is, after an hour of talking about last week, i learned nothing except that he wanted perogies. i understand the need for distance, have suggested it on several occasions myself.... just after last week felt like SUCH shit.... i agreed my plan for tonight was a bad idea. accepted it, moved past it. but when i tried talking about why i was thinking it, to bring up the subject of how things were last week, he just kept saying no to... i dont know what. cause i wasnt really asking anything at that point. i just wanted his take on what happened.
wow, but i guess initially i can see how that might have gotten misconstrued. i mean, i was offering to do stuff, but not really because i thought he'd accept, but because sometimes its just nice when someone says they'll make the effort. yes, i WAS serisous about the first thing... after that we sorta lost track of what we were talking about and got onto something else...i thought it was clear from my delivery, smiley faces and joke(?) afterwards about not doing anything right that i was teasing, playing on what i'd said earlier....i couldnt understand why he was getting so mad when i was just rtying to be nice.... he really thoguht i was trying to get him over here, like any way possible.... lmao!
okay, theres his side.
but when i said "your not listening to me" like 150 times, when i asked him if he even knew what i was asking him, he didnt.... and instead of not getting angry and just listening, it turned into this....
and he said i got better cause we didnt talk for a month! HA! that is so far off base.... my life SO does not fucking revolve around him!! i "got better" because i got my shit together with mac and school, because i deciced, on my own in NYC, that it was what i had to do. talking to him or not, it was going to happen. and its going to keep happening, regardless.
he said hes not an egomaniac, which again, is crap... i dont know what exactly ive done to make him think my life is dependent on his.... hes not related in anyway to what i'm doing at school, nothign to do with mac, my freinds or my family... theres this big bright world outside of levi that levi doesnt fucking see....on this point, he also said "idont need you more than you dont need me", which besides just being compeltely juvinele, makes absolutly no sense... i think i've said it like a billion times by now: I DONT NEED HIM AT ALL. i'm not putting myself through this shit because its fucking fun, or because i have to, but because i saw where i fucked up and wanted to make it right, and just generally cared about him and DID NOT want it to be like this. had it been anyone else i would have flipped them off a long time ago. but out of respect for that elusive three weeks (i guess), out of just lingering respect for him as a person, trying to understand what we were both going through at the time, what we're apparently STILL giong through....
and i would have been MORE than happy to can that conversation last night 10 minutes in, if i felt for a second he understood a word i was saying. it was clear by what he was responding with that he was totally misinterpreting everything that i wrote. honestly, i think he's got this big fucking gaurd where i'm concerned, and hes not willinng to totally listen to me for fear of falling into one of my "traps". it seems to me that no matter what i do, he looks into it and finds some way i'm being manipulative or twisting my words to get what i want.... that i'm trying to use my fucking "power" or fucking WHATEVER. shit, if im twisting my words its only because i dont know what the fuck i'm saying!! how many times have i tried to explain: im not good at this, it may take a few minutes before my point becomes totally clear....?
he said he doesnt think im this dreadful bitch, but i just dont belive that. i dont think he trusts me as far as he could throw me, which gets to me more than anything.... ive done nothing but try to be honest, BRUTALLY so, sometimes at the expense of saying things i really should keep to myself. he just cant accept that, for whatever reason. like hes got it all figured out, lol.... but i geuss the rules dont apply to him.
god, i want to send him a transcript of the fucking conversation with footnotes.... i said like 90 times i KNOW he said no, and that i just wanted an explaination for last week... he kept telling me why we need distance, which i fucking GET....he was just typig mean shit before i had a chance to finish a complete thought.
(sigh)
i am so disgusted with this. i hate defending myself, especially for shit i didnt do. honestly, though i think he did at one pount want to be freinds, i think he also wants to hate me, mainly so i'll go away. and thats okay, because i think i may feel the same.
i've had enough. this thing couldnt be pushed any farther even if one of us wanted it to. i cant belive how much animosity has built up over this past week, and just tonight, specifically....
despite the email admitting i was wrong, rethinking it, looking over the im, i dont think, yet again, that this is entirely my fault. yes, it was a bad idea. when i tried to explain myself and get answers, he was just such a fucking prick....
and then i'm a bitch for giving up and saying i dont think we can be freinds.
i want to say that its going to take alot more than time or space for this wound to heal. yet honestly, after everything thats happened, i dont WANT it to heal. i'm so fucking sick of this, i swear to god if i never talk to him again i'll be happy, if only just to know for sure it will never get BACK to this. and being barked at, being talked to the way he's talked to me (tough love and being a straight up douche bag are two very different things), of playing it calm and taking blame just to try and get my point across... god, even doug gave me more fucking credit.
and that stupid email... i wish i could take it back. i totally took the blame, just so in my mind there'd be some sort of official non-messy ending....
this is my last entry about this shit. i was resolved before, on like several occasions, then changed my mind after one of us had contacted the other....
in all fairness, i know he tried, and tried hard. i did too. i dont know what the fuck our problem is.... but yeah. not workable anymore. im not wasting one more fucking diary page or brain cell on this bullshit. it makes me fucking sick.
at least dave was being cool. lol, WAS. it'll prolly change now....
and one more thing - i REFUSE to end my friendship with jeff or bail out on anymore group things because of this crap. i was psyched about seeing van helsing in a few weeks, and going with jeff and melinda and whoever else, not to mention, summer break is comming up in a couple of weeks and i'll have alot more time for screwing around... im not fucking tiptoeing around this bullshit or sacrificing one more fucking thing for the sake of making things comfortable or giving him space... i've paid my penance, i feel like this shit is SQUARE. he doesnt like it, then HE can not fucking go. i'm sick of missing shit over this.
ARGH!
how do things get so fucking complicated?
whatever. i'm so fucking over it.