I'm posting here because I can't be honest in the myspace blog, and I'm pretty sure this is a place no one will check. And I need to write this, and I need it to be in a place that I won't scribble over or throw away.
Jane said I was going to burn out and I laughed it off. /I/ can handle everything, doesn't she know? But I can't. And I'm desperatly afraid to admit it.
It's not work or school or even Mac -- all of that I have under control. It's the other things and people I've taken on as my responsability that's doing it. And maybe this is just a mood brought on complete physical and emotional exhaustion, but I looked at myself in the mirror just a few minutes ago, seriously looked, and I couldn't think of one damn reason why...why I even /wanted/ to live. And don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go slitting my wrists or go taking anything, I'm not suicidal and this is /not/ a cry for help. I just don't get what it's all for. The world, people-- it's completly out of control. And I want out. I just can't do this anymore and even while I'm writing those words I know without a doubt that I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and go right back to trying to save the world at full force.
And to whoever's reading this, I know what you're thinking. It's not my job to save the world. And no, it's not. But you weren't in Tampa last weekend. You didn't see the girl who been beaten blind and raped and left for dead, who was deaf and had regressed to the level of a 10 year old make a sudden and slightly miraculous improvement simply by having me around. I'm serious, I didn't do anything but try to be her friend. And her mother was crying, and the people at the complex were crying when I left, and I talked to Jane today and she said the weather was so cold and gray since I left, like it's never been before in all of her years in Tampa. I touched, and even more confusing, /changed/ these people just by being around them. It was like the ultimate pay it forward. And now that I've been there and done that, they're my responsability. I started something I can't let go of. And maybe not just with them. If I could make such a difference to a handful of people in two days without even trying, what could I do if I /really/ tried? Whatever it was that made these people trust me like they did, whatever it was that allowed me to connect to them, and them to me, I need to use it, for something more and for something greater.
And perhaps this all sounds like a crazy ego trip --maybe it is, I don't know. Regardless, that's what happened. It was spiritual. /Spiritual/. And at every cost to myself, I feel like it's what I should be doing.