i've been joking for awhile that the next guy to get in my pants better have a ring. yeah, i guess thats pretty extreme. i'm just so totally exhausted by all the bullshit. after spending so much time with olya and mike, with my brother and his freinds.... and actually, with mac, i've just found so many other things so much more rewarding.... most of what i do now has more meaning, and i enjoy it. i dunno. i'm like.... genuinlly happy. not alone, or sad, or... desperate. granted, sometimes i feel like maybe i'm missing out on something, but its only in regards to certain people and things and that generally passes -- quickly. the same thing started to happen with me towards the end with ken, too. i started to feel alientated, like i just didnt fit, and really started getting aggrivated with myself because i didnt /want/ to fit, hence, couldnt. which only alientated me more. well, thats the point it came to this time, too, i think -- i just totally outgrew the crap. and like with ken, it took me awhile to get completely over the feeling of.... betrayal(?), or anger at myself for not being "right".... whatever that feeling really is. i'm not sure. i guess, just like before, i've totally accepted that a part of my life is really over, and another beginning.... i'm just disapointed with myself for, once again, learning so many similar lessons over again the hard way. well, i think this time i may have truly learned. there's alot of reasons for that, which i wont get into -- its good enough that i know (maybe the first thing i learned is that i need to stop trying to prove myself to people, and i might as well start that now).
anway, i'm looking forward to this new life chapter. my senior year in college is about to begin, my thesis, a concept i've been thinking about now for over three years. i'm a drummer. i have a close circle of freinds who i love and trust emplicitly, and who i belive are some of the most reliable, hardworking and truly brilliant and individual people i have ever met. my son turns 6 tomorrow, and our relationship has never been better. *i* have never felt better, more capable, motivated, or more in control. despite the minor little things that creep up now and then (things that i am sure will eventually sink in with the rest of the mud), i feel.... just very....close to something. myself. the universe. whatever piece of new age psycho-babble inserts in this sentence best. its there. and... its weird. i'm just....level.